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The Science of Tears

Why crying is not weakness. It’s the body’s intelligence.

Crying is one of the most misunderstood human responses. We’ve been taught to treat tears as unprofessional, embarrassing, “too much”, or a loss of control.
But from a trauma-informed, nervous system and relational perspective, tears are often the body’s most elegant route back to regulation.

This is a long-form educational and reflective resource that helps you understand what tears are doing in the body, why some people cry easily while others cannot, and how crying connects to safety, attachment, parts, burnout, shame, grief, and even soul.

Get The Science of Tears

Instant access. Personal and professional use only.

We don’t struggle with tears because we’re broken.

We struggle because we were trained.

Many of us learnt early that tears were unsafe. That they wouldn’t be met. That they would be mocked, punished, ignored, or used against us. So the system adapted.
Some people cry at films but can’t cry for themselves. Some cry at work and feel immediate shame. Some don’t cry at all, even in deep loss, and worry something is wrong with them.

This resource normalises all of it and explains it.

Free Download

What you’ll learn:

A trauma-informed map of why we cry (and why we can’t)

Inside, you’ll explore the science of tears through:

  • Nervous system theory and regulation
  • Attachment and relational safety
  • Somatic and trauma physiology
  • Parts-protectors, shame, and emotional survival patterns
  • The spiritual dimension of grief and reconnection

This is not a workbook. It’s an educational, reflective read, designed to land in the body as well as the mind.

What’s inside

Part 1: The Anatomy of a Tear

  • The three types of tears (basal, reflex, emotional)
  • What makes emotional tears unique
  • Crying as a nervous system release and return to regulation

Part 2: The Nervous System Behind the Sob

  • A polyvagal lens on tears and safety
  • Oxytocin, endorphins, cortisol, and the “after-cry softness” as regulation, not weakness

Part 3: Why you can cry at films but not for your inner child

  • Safe distance and why story gives permission
  • Why animals and strangers can feel easier than “your own parts”
  • Protectors, shame, intimacy, and the fear of “if I start, I’ll never stop”

Part 4: Crying at work

  • Why workplaces reward suppression, not truth
  • Tears as a “nervous system leak” and what they often signal (burnout, microaggressions, gaslighting, emotional overload)
  • What trauma-informed workplaces do differently

Part 5: Crying as completion

  • Freeze and functional numbness when tears don’t come
  • How “uncried tears” show up in the body and life
  • How we invite tears back safely, without forcing

The Seven Healing Tears

Tears of grief, rage, joy, compassion, relief, shame, and reconnection, with the truth each one carries.

You don’t need to cry to be healing. But if your body wants to cry, let it. Don’t chase tears. Create the conditions.

Who this is for

This resource is for:

  • Trauma-aware professionals and practitioners
  • Leaders who want emotionally intelligent cultures
  • Therapists, coaches, facilitators, educators
  • Thoughtful humans who want to understand their own emotional system with less shame and more compassion 

If certain sections feel emotionally resonant, you’re encouraged to go at your own pace and prioritise grounding and regulation while reading.

What changes after you read it

You’ll stop making tears mean “something is wrong”

Instead, you’ll understand tears as information. As physiology. As attachment. As release. As protest. As truth.

You’ll be able to:

  • Normalise crying (in yourself and others) without minimising it
  • Understand “no tears” as protection, not failure
  • Hold workplace tears with more confidence and less awkwardness
  • Work more skilfully with protectors, shame, and emotional intimacy
  • Recognise when tears are signalling safety, and when they’re signalling overload

About Lou Lebentz

Award-Winning Therapist, International Speaker & Creator of The Voyage®

Lou is the founder of The Voyage® and a UKCP-registered trauma therapist with 25+ years of clinical experience.

She's trained hundreds of professionals globally across many sectors.

And here's what she's learned:

"Most of us were trained in approaches built on an incomplete understanding of trauma.

We weren't taught that 80% of nervous system information flows from body to brain, not the other way around.

We weren't taught that trauma memories are stored as fragments (sensation, images) not as narrative.

We weren't taught how to read the body. How to pace for integration. How to protect ourselves from what we absorb."

This is the gap Lou is dedicated to fill.

Because when you understand how trauma actually works, everything changes.

FAQ

Don’t chase the tears. Create the conditions.

If your body has been holding back for years, this is a compassionate, science-backed way back to understanding and softness.

Get The Science of Tears